I sin a lot every day. I curse more than I ever imagined, I lose my temper and am mean to my husband, I choose make-up tutorials on YouTube over worshipping the Lord (again and again and again). Sometimes I enter seasons of perpetual sin that wreak havoc on my spirit and, now, our marriage. Often I offend and bulldoze people. It’s a lot. [pause] But–Always. Always I am course-corrected, guided with a faithful hand and firmly re-planted in truth by an ever present lover. Most of this correction, and subsequent choosing to follow the Lord, seems to have little to do with me. It’s often as if He “just does it.”
I’ve thought a lot about my relationship with the Lord, particularly why I feel His hand moving me, regardless of how awful I am, and how this is not the described experience of many Christian friends I know. It doesn’t make sense to say “I’m chosen” to have the Lord do more work for me than He does, or would do, for others, and, if I am not chosen, then what is different about my walk with the Lord?
In general, I don’t pretend to know why my relationship with the Lord is the way it is. I am thankful that things are the way they are, I do question why others don’t experience what I do, but I also try to not believe I have the answer to the difference. What’s my point? My point is, if what I am about to say encourages any of my brothers/sisters in Christ, then it’s worth sharing.
On Monday night, driving home from a Discipleship Class Joe and I are taking, I had a realization. If ever I question “am I truly a Christian?” I remind myself that, regardless of my role in the equation of my life, the bottom line is that I desire to know the heart of God more and more. I love God. I love Him so deeply and want Him so badly there have been times I’ve thought “even if I can never know for sure that I’m saved I don’t care – I simply need to worship Him because my love is so great that I must cry out.” And this is the point here, I think. My life matters, my actions matter, but in order to truly align them to the will of God I must pursue His heart above all. He knows I will fail at loving Him with Agape love, but He also knows that I want to love Him beyond anything I have or will ever want on this earth. And so He brings me back. This is the work of grace, and of a lover so faithful that He takes my imperfect loving ability and re-directs it back towards Him whenever I am lost. This is the difference between me solely working out my faith and God doing the correction work for me. Pursue His heart and He will give you the desires of your heart (your desires = His heart). Pursue His heart and He will give you an all-consuming desire for His heart. It is definitely our choice to pursue Him, but He knows if you will choose Him and He will help you do that.
Bottom line – if you’re considering a direction in which to trek – pursue the heart of God. The Holy Spirit will teach, prompt, etc., etc., but it is God who will bring you back to the heart of God once you begin pursuing Him.
12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.