Why Monochrome Sun?
Prelude: If you’re wondering if this is just a fluffy blogpost, know it is not. Yes, I do think into names, meanings, titles, lyrics, Word / Excel documents, street signs, maps, brochures, pamphlets (haha just kidding about the last 5) this much.
Before moving to Florida I had a difficult time relating to color. There was never a time I wanted to purchase neon athletic shoes, colorful clothing/accessories or Lily Pulitzer anything. I felt alien to color. Color was beyond my perspective, my mood and my interpretation of a good time. I was drawn to deep crimson reds, all shades of grey and black on black on black. This was all I wanted. I was content groaning in the darkness, because light was the presence of all color.
Not for a second do I doubt this alienation to color corresponded directly to my spiritual mood and CHOSEN world view. The most counterintuitive thoughts wrestled my mind for ownership: I believed the world (my life) was in God’s hands, I believed I was not the center of the universe, I believed I would be happy (and not chronically depressed) ONE DAY, but it was not possible to achieve in my current position. What was my position? To this day I can’t name one prison, one setback or one attitude. I consider the period of my life between 14-19 a second childhood and quite a confused adolescence. I was intermittently depressed and forlorn. I was blessed beyond measure, yet so deeply troubled. I had many friends and opportunities and HIGH moments/experiences, yet I felt despairingly alone. I’ve been medicated, self-medicated, slowly healed, horribly broken, gloriously broken and much more since 14. A beautiful experience was the evening I could share my testimony; safely, wisely with a group of women, to whom I still left much unmentioned. It’s not that I don’t want to share everything, but there are some choices so prickly, tarred and shameful to keep repeating.
Color crept up on me the way God’s Fatherly newness broke into my life, ever so gracefully. Of course I will never know what His timing intentions were, but I avoided His wooing for an unnecessarily long time and finally He said you need me and I am going to graduate you. So I graduated. This was physical, this was a move from Pennsylvania to Florida with no siblings to pave the way and “show me how it’s done” in our family. This was a graduation to the unknown, I was the under qualified meeting necessity. I asked Him to rewire me, rebuild my world view, kneed my brokenness and get rid of who I believed I was. NOT UNLIKE every step of my life for the rest of my life. But this was the first purge of what I consider my lengthened state of childhood.
Disclaimer: I am not saying long periods of depression, confusion, doubt, anxiety, emptiness, etc. are childish or signals of an extended childhood; I am only speaking of my specific experience of choosing emptiness when I knew I was not empty, and everything else that went into my jumbled mess.
Monochrome Sun is sort of my funny way of looking at myself in human form. I’m not sure how much absolute truth is in the imagery, as I’m sure some believers may think I should say I’m a Rainbow on this earth (being in Christ), and not 50 Shade of Grey. But I don’t feel like Rainbow yet. The storm (that is our life on this earth) is not over and frankly I would not want my human self to be considered the Rainbow at the end of the tempest.